My girlfriend always seemed to enjoy seeing just how
much she could getaway with doing some form of our
bondage in public. She does this partly because she
finds it fun, mostly because she knows it drives me out
of my tree. Usually, I'm able to fast talk my way out of
potentially embarrassing situations with Mundanes, but
yesterday she very nearly got me fired.
Yesterday afternoon we had lunch together. Afterward,
she accompanied me back to my place of work. I thought
this slightly unusual, since she had never before
expressed an interest in my work (electronic
engineering,) but it didn't occur to me that she had
We arrived at my workbench, where I'm currently trying
to figure out why the $&%@*! board on which I'm working
is not performing the way I designed it.
"Is this where you work?" she asked.
"At the moment," I replied.
I reached over to turn on the scope, thereby completely
failing to notice the huge studded black leather collar
she produced from her purse. Before I could even blink
(it's amazing the speed at which she can do this), she
had locked the collar snugly around my neck, and locked
the end of the six-foot jack chain to the centre of the
bench (where there just happened to be a mounting hole,
dammit). I turned to face her in utter disbelief, mouth
"I'll be back for you at five," she said.
"HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY WACKO!!?!?" I yelled in a
"HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS???"
"You'll think of something," she said, dropping the keys
into her cleavage. "You always do."
"But suppose I have to go to the bathroom," I countered.
"Don't give me that," she said. "I've seen you go for a
whole day without visiting the bathroom."
"But..." I tried to say.
"SHHH! The subject is closed. I'll be back at five.
She turned and left, against my hushed protests. I sat
in panic and tried to think out my situation. I tried to
think of all the people who might visit. Most of my co-
workers were friends who knew that my girlfriend and I
were a bit odd, so this shouldn't surprise them. But I
had *no* idea what I was going to say if one of my
bosses came in. I checked my watch to see how long I
would have to endure this ignominy. 13:30 (I'm a
military time weenie). "Three and a half hours," I
thought. I heaved a sigh, and got to work, such as I
As it happened, three of my co-workers visited for
whatnot. All of them immediately noticed the collar (it
would be pretty hard not to), and asked if it was my
girlfriend's idea. I said yes. They asked what I would
say if my supervisor saw it. I said I hadn't the
One of the aforementioned colleagues took the bench next
to me, and after a few remarks (and a question as to
where he could get a collar like the one I had), settled
down to work in silence. After some time, I checked my
"Gee, I just might make it through this after all," I
thought. I was even beginning to get a handle on the
problem with the #%^*@! board on which I was working.
Murphy must have been standing right behind me reading
my thoughts, for not more than two minutes later one of
my bosses entered the room.
And not just any boss. Noooooooo. This was Mr. Narrow-
minded himself. This was the guy who took Lifespring
*and* became a born-again fundamentalist. How he came to
have the power of hire-and-fire over us is one of the
Great Mysteries of The Universe. We avoided this guy at
His eyes fell upon me immediately. A few microseconds
later, he saw the collar around my neck in all its
splendour. "My life is over," I thought. I still hadn't
thought of a plausible explanation for this.
Mr. Solderbrain (the name we called him behind his back;
a corruption of his real name) started to walk slowly
and deliberately over to me, his eyes fixed on the
collar. Fifteen agonising seconds later, he was standing
next to me. I thought the guy sitting next to me was
going to have a seizure stifling all his giggles. I
continued to work, acting as though there were nothing
the least bit unusual about my predicament.
Finally, he spoke. "What. The. HELL! Is. That??!" he
said. I don't know how I thought of what I said. In
fact, I'm pretty sure I didn't know what I was going to
say until just as I was saying it. I'm even more amazed
that Solderbrain actually bought it and didn't fire me
on the spot.
I turned to face him calmly, with total nonchalance,
exuding complete confidence in what I was about to say,
even though I didn't know what it was yet. I didn't even
miss a beat. "Grounding strap," I said, and returned to
The guy next to me fell off his chair and nearly died
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