A Parody of Yahoo Romance
The Insemination of the Body Snatchers
"Citizen 253, how is your preparation going?" The commander of the
infiltration unit appeared in the doorway of the polyforming laboratory.
"Well, commander. In a few more of their "days" I will have duplicated the
form of a popular earth female, and will be ready to undertake the seed
extraction.
"This earth female, she isn't too popular I trust? We mustn't cause alarm at
there being two of her. If she's too well known, someone might wonder
about her dual existence."
"No sir! She is popular only among a very select group of highly
reproductive males. We located these inseminators through their "Internet."
Many of those most driven to reproduce can be found on their "Yahoo" chat
site. She is well known among them, though none of the males have
actually met her. If there are imperfections in my duplication, none of them
will know. We were fortunate, in that the subject has posted many pictures
of herself without clothing, which made the duplication work go much more
quickly."
"Excellent!" cried the commander, scratching his scaly abdomen. "And will
you have to reproduce their pseudo skins as well? The "clothing?""
"Very little, commander! It appears that this one prefers to go without
much of the time, or to wear as little as she can manage. I believe that this
endears her to the males."
"Very well, citizen, continue your work. I look forward to its completion.
If only we had been able to collect our seed specimens in a more scientific
fashion! Unfortunately, our microcollection lab has still not been rebuilt
since the rampage of the human male the last time we tried to insert the
collectors into his testicle. Had we known how violent he would become,
I'm sure we could have better restrained him. Nonetheless, this is the best
we can hope to do under the circumstances. Are you sure that your
duplication is accurate in every respect?"
"Absolutely sir! It amazes me that these humans can function with so much
sensory input from this soft skin they have. Amazing that they have
survived. It offers almost no protection from attack, and is a constant
distraction from the task at hand. I had to have the nerve pathways from
the reproductive site to the brain disconnected while I finished. Just too
much input."
"But you'll have it reconnected before you engage one of the males? After
all, you must respond normally, or he may be 'spooked'."
"Absolutely sir, and I'll practice with one of their pseudo-stimulators
beforehand, to be sure everything is in order and that I am prepared for
insertion." Citizen 253 held up a huge latex model of a human penis. "This
should keep me from being surprised. After doing research on Yahoo
among the human males, this model, measuring approximately 25 of their
centimeters in length, seems to be about average."
"Fine then. Back to work!" The commander shuffled out of the laboratory
and left his disgustingly human crew person to complete his duplication
process. He was, at this point, adding aureoles and nipples to the human
breasts. These too, he realized, would need to be disconnected until it was
closer to time. The nipples kept expanding as he worked with them, ruining
the carefully grown cells from which they were made before they'd had time
to set.
Two "days" later.
"Laboratory to bridge, may we speak with the commander?"
The commander's voice came over the intercom. "Yes?"
"We're ready sir, for the first test, if you'd like to observe."
"I'll be right down!"
When he arrived, he was greeted at the door by one of the lab technicians.
"He's in the sterile room, sir, over there."
The commander looked through the isolation window at something utterly
repugnant. Citizen 253 lay on a padded table, his lower appendages spread
apart. In one of his claws (no, humans call them "hands" he reminded
himself... ) he held the model penis. It glistened with lubricants as he slid it
in and out of himself, moaning and panting. "Excellent, 253! You've
perfectly immitated the behaviors on the reproductive training videos that
we have collected. But, weren't you a bit liberal with the lubricants? Don't
you want this to be a more realistic test?"
Citizen 253 slowly stopped the stimulation exercise and looked through
half-opened eyes at his commander. "Oh.. sir... well, actually, I hardly used
any lubricant at all. It seems that, when stimulated, this region of the body
deploys its own." He took several deep breaths, collecting himself. "And
this body, when stimulated, does remarkable things to its owner. I think I
have it mastered, though. Should be able to maintain control during the
collection process."
"Fine, then, shouldn't you be removing that test object?"
253 looked down between his "legs" and saw that the last quarter of the
faux-penis still protruded from his collection site. A look that could only
have been regret passed over his features as he replied. "Oh, this... yes, I
suppose I should remove it." He took hold of it with one of his "hands" and
removed it. The commander was again repulsed by its slimy appearance.
"What disgusting creatures they are!"
A few seconds too late 253 agreed, "Disgusting!"
"Let's get to work selecting a donor, then," said the commander. "And put
on some of the human "clothing." You make me sick.
253 hopped off the table and trotted over to a pile of human clothing
articles that had been collected by some less well perfected drones. These
false human males could, if covered, pass for the real thing, but had no
sensory nervous systems or reproductive organs. They had been sent to the
two most popular stores for mating clothing on this miserable planet,
Victoria's Secret and Frederick's. 253 pulled on a skimpy pair of panties
and a lacy brassiere to contain the breasts, which bounced in the most
amazing way if not contained. Then, thinking of his commander, he donned
a floor length robe and went to the interface lab to select the first donor.
In the interface lab there were dozens of screens, all attached to the human
internet. It was through this that the soon to be invaders had gathered most
of their information without having to walk the surface. They had simply
intercepted signals going to and from the artificial satellites circling the
world and no one had been the wiser.
"Sign me on to Yahoo," instructed 253 as he sat in the device specifically
designed for his human form. "And let me at that keyboard. I still need to
master this language and alpha-input device."
The technician started up "Yahoo Messenger" and input the name of the
female that 253 was imitating, "Lil_Loocie". 253 then took the seat and
navigated to the "chat room" where she was best known among the males,
"Lil Sluts for Older Men." He had come to understand that sluts were those
females most available for mating in the human system, which suited his
persona perfectly. After considerable research, it had been determined that
many of the males who frequented this room knew her and would not likely
approach her about an encounter. Fortunately, new males were always
popping in and offering their mating services.
"Hi, room!" typed 253 upon entering. This inevitably resulted in a deluge of
offers to mate, one of which 253 would no doubt accept.
"Heya, luce" responded 'CityKid' a frequenter of this room and "friend" of
Loocie's.
"How ya doin'" typed 253, but before he could depress the "send" button,
13 "pm's" popped up on his screen. He momentarily ignored the pm's long
enough to send his question, then began sorting through the private
messages for a likely seed donor.
Most of them said the same thing, or nearly. "Hi! How are you?"
These, 253 had learned, usually consumed a great deal of time, and led
nowhere, so he closed these windows immediately.
One though, said, "Hey! Wanna fuck?" It held promise and 253 pulled it to
the side to look at the last one. This one he decided to pursue.
"You like big black cock?" asked "Thkblk14u."
"That's it!" exclaimed 253, turning to the commander. "Their dark skinned
males are renouned for their reproductive stamina and potency! I'll see if
this one will do."
He turned back and began typing again.
"Yeah, I do!"
"Kewl." was the reply. 253 ran a quick vocabulary search to be certain this
was a positive response. When he saw that it was he answered.
"So, you wanna do it?"
Messenger alerted him that his partner was "typing a message" so he waited,
for a long time. Apparently this user was not a skilled typist. Finally, the
next private message appeared. "I see you in the street and drag you into an
alley. I press you against the wall and you feel my thick cock pressing
against your belly."
"This is an answer?" queried the commander.
"Unfortunately," answered 253. He wants to pretend that we are copulating
in the street. Let me see if I can get him to commit to meeting.
"Hey, doofus, I'm not into cyber! Want r/t only. So, you wanna fuck or
not?" The commander was amazed at 253's command of the Yahoo lingo.
This definitely merited a promotion.
There was another long pause before the answer came back. "Sure, bitch, u
travel? Where r u?"
"Where are you?" answered "Loocie."
"In NYC. Ever been here?"
253 looked quickly at a map on another screen. "Sure, I live on Long
Island! You seen my pics?"
"Yeah," came back the answer, "loved em. Want 1 of me?"
"Yeah.. otherwise, how will I know you?" 253 had noticed that Thk's
"Yahoo Profile" had no image on it. It was important to ascertain whether
or not this donor was suitable stock.
"Well, don't no if u'll recognize me in public from this, but here I cum!"
A tiny window popped up asking 253 if he wanted to download a file, he
answered affirmatively and the download went very quickly. He opened the
image and pointed it out to his commander. "See, excellent! See how the
seed spills out of his mating partner!" The commander stared at the
buttocks of a huge black human, whose equally huge reproductive organ
was lodged in a human female. Great pools of thick white semen were
gathered between the twin globes of her backside. "Yes, we may get most
of what we need from this one male!" agreed the commander.
"You look wonderful" replied "Loocie."
"Kewl, so u wanna meet?"
"Yes, as soon as possible!"
"Kewl. How about tomorrow, someplace nice and public?"
"Fine, where?" "Don't spook him!" warned the commander.
"Can you come into the city?"
"Sure!"
"Ok then, how bout u meet me at the ESPN Zone at 7? Don't worry about
finding me. I'll find you."
"Kewl!" answered 253, picking up the language quickly.
"Cya then!" answered Thk, and his name disappeared from the chat room.
"What does that mean?" asked the commander.
"I don't know yet, sir, but it is a frequent word used in departing Yahoo."
"So, he'll meet you the next evening, is that correct?"
"Yessir. We're almost there!"
The period just before the first human encounter was only mildly busy. 253
had to select new clothing. He had to explain patiently to his commander
that human females usually covered their mating clothes with more
conservative pieces. To fail to do so would surely spook the male. He
pulled a short skirt over his pale white legs and a short tee shirt (one that
left his/her midriff exposed) over the bra. To this were added two "platform
sandals" which misled males into thinking that females' legs were shaped
differently and were longer than they really were. A strange part of the
mating ritual, but one that was necessary. 253 practiced walking in these
sandals for some time before feeling confident enough to wear them in earth
gravity.
At last the time for the meeting arrived, and 253 was beamed into the
subway station at 42nd and 8th. Though a few blocks from the meeting
site, it was deemed the safest place in the city for something "weird" to
happen. Humans in this location would likely think nothing of it.
When Loocie materialized in the subway station, the only reactions were
several whistles and another offer to mate. 253 quickly decided that Thk
was a better source than the scruffy pale man curled in the corner with a
small brown bag in his hand, so he went up the stairs to the street and
straight to the Zone.
253 walked into the reception area and looked around. There were dozens
of large dark skinned men around, but none seemed to take more than a
passing interest. At 7:10 his subject still had not arrived. There was,
however, a small, overweight white man who had been waiting and staring
for some time. If he were not such a miserable specimen, 253 might have
elected to collect sperm from him and be done with it. But this was
obviously not good genetic stock.
At 7:30 the rotund little man approached 253. "Uh, Loocie?"
"What do you want me with me?" answered a startled Citizen 253.
"Uh, hi. Uh.. well.. um... I was.. that is.. I am.. I mean... Uh... " He
grinned feebly. "Hey, bitch, wanna fuck?"
253's eyes flew wide. "Begone, you miserable toad!" he shouted in Loocie's
femine voice. He heard laughter from elsewhere in the waiting area as the
short little man waddled away.
"Begone, you miserable toad! What a fuckin line!"
253 spun to see a large, dark haired (but fair skinned) male standing behind
him, chuckling. He smiled with Loocie's mouth.
"You waitin on somebody? Seems like ya are."
"Well, I was, but I'm not now," he answered, not sure how to proceed.
"Good, cause my date's late, and I don't wait for nobody. Let's eat, huh?"
253 thought that this might be a way to salvage a totally blown operation.
"Why, surely!" he answered. He thought he heard a chuckle and a "surely"
as the waiter led them to a table on the first floor. "Before we sit down,
though, I have to ask you something," he said. Thinking back to his time on
Yahoo and the desire of his commander to find a particularly potent donor
he asked, "your penis, is it at least average size?"
The subject's eyes opened much wider than normal for a moment. "Damn,
girl. You get right to the point, dontcha? Well, lemme tell ya, to be real
honest, I'm a little bigger'n average, ok?"
253 nodded with satisfaction as he sat down, remembering his practice tool
and wondering what a bigger one might feel like in his duplicated vagina.
Already he was having trouble managing some troublesome and disturbing
neurosensor input from his genital region.
He squirmed through dinner, becoming more and more aware of the
dampness of the panties that he had chosen for the evening. Had he realized
this might happen, he would surely have carried a bag large enough to put in
a second pair, but he had not forseen his new body's response.
The human male could not carry a conversation about much other than their
stupid games, but 253 was well versed in them, and managed to keep up his
side until it was time to leave.
In the cab on the way to "his place" the human engaged in that strange
mouth to mouth embrace, thrusting his tongue deeply into 253's throat.
Though mildly disgusting, he realized that his new body was once again
responding in an annoying fashion. Breathing was becoming short and there
was an increasing dampness between his legs.
Without thinking, he reached for the human's reproductive organ. It felt
firm in his trousers, but not large enough yet. Hmm.. perhaps it would
continue to grow once his clothes were removed.
At the human's apartment, 253 allowed himself to be stripped naked before
the human himself stripped. Grinning like a hyena, the human removed shirt
and shoes, then finally his pants. Bobbing there in front of him, though, was
a stiff penis only 16 or 17 centimeters in length.
"I thought you said you were bigger than average!" he exclaimed.
"This IS bigger, you bitch!" The human was stunned. "Whatta you think
'average' is, anyways."
253 held up Loocie's hands, 25 centimeters apart, and asked, "So it doesn't
get any bigger?"
The human's face turned blood red. "No, you bitch, but by the time I'm
done with your cunt, you won't know big from small!" and started toward
the helpless 253.
Well, not entirely helpless. 253 banged his teeth together, activating his
emergency recall signal, and was instantly transported back to his ship.
For some years after this horrid failure, the Citizenry continued to gather
intelligence. It was decided that Yahoo was not the place to select mating
partners after all. Virility expectations had to be scaled down, even after
they tried inserting 253 into a setting with people making the
mating-instruction films. He just couldn't collect enough valid sperm that
way, as these exceptional humans insisted on ejaculating everywhere except
where it might result in conception.
Finally, after years of frustration, and with barely half the seed needed to
build a fighting force that could withstand earth conditions for the invasion,
the project was abandoned. The Yahoo planet was just not worth the
effort.
Keys: scifi asstr erota
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