The Outsiders
Jackie Thomas was an outsider just about from the day that
she was born in Washington. Almost as soon as the little black
girl could stand up and walk, she stuck out from the other
children, and not only because she was taller than many of them.
She was the youngest of four children. By the time she came
along, her mother Muriel already had her hands full with the first
three children. Her father tried to do what he could to help, but
that wasn't really very much. James Thomas worked on the night
shift to make a little extra money for the family, and that meant
that he had to sleep during the day.
When Jackie was three years old, she began to notice the
school-books that her brothers and her sister brought home. All
that Jackie could do then was to look at the pictures, and she was
frustrated at not being able to get at the words that she was told
said such interesting things.
Her mother decided to try teaching Jackie to read a little.
If Jackie watched television, the little girl would often turn the
sound up too much and that would keep her father awake. Books
didn't make noise.
Things didn't exactly work the way that Muriel Thomas had
planned, though. That little bit of reading turned into a lot of
it.
Jackie tried to work her way through all the school-books
now, though many of them were still way beyond her. There were
not many other books in that house, let alone books for little
children. There was a Bible, which was much harder for Jackie to
understand than the school-books were. But for a while Jackie was
read to from the Bible.
And that created problems of its own. Jackie started asking
the minister questions after church on Sunday that he had trouble
believing a little black girl would think of by herself.
Jackie's mother started taking her on a walk once a week, all
of three blocks to the local library. The one book a week they
started with at that time had turned into two books by the
time Jackie was old enough for kindergarten.
Kindergarten brought on other problems. The teachers did not
like the idea of a child already knowing how to read, and doing it
about as well as a third-grader. This upset their plans; they
declared that she would certainly have gotten it wrong and would
probably have a lot of trouble in school because of it. One of
them just stopped short of saying that a child who learned things
outside of school would never be normal.
But she was normal. Jackie was just as interested in her
dolls and in playing games as any other little girl. She was a
little taller and a little stronger for her age than most, but not
so much that you would think to comment on it.
Since she was already walking to school with other children,
it wasn't long before she was allowed to walk to the library with
one child or another and back again. And soon she was allowed to
make the trip by herself if she had to. The librarian in branch
#19 got to know Jackie's happy face as well as she did her own,
because the little girl was always looking for corners in the
library that she hadn't found before.
One corner that Jackie found along the way was science. As
she slowly turned into a big girl, she learned a lot of it. She
began with little books on astronomy, then she worked through
physics and chemistry, and finally she spent a long time on
computer science. All this reading made it easier to stay up with
the studies in these subjects, indeed left her knowing more at the
beginning than some did at the end. She got some comments from
others about "acting white",
but by the time she finished high school she had been getting
those comments for years and treating them just the way they
deserved.
By the time she finished high school she was five foot
eleven, slim, and beautiful. A couple of boys had tried to give
her practice in biology by then. The ones who couldn't be talked
or slapped out of it found out that she had picked up a good
knowledge of anatomy and even some judo. Some of the other girls
in her neighborhood had already learned harder lessons; her own
sister had miscarried once, though they were both careful to not
let their mother find out about it. Jackie had high grades and
even higher recommendations from her teachers. She was clearly
going to be the first person from her family to go on to college.
Then her father had a heart attack. All the plans for college went out the window then, at least
for a while. The burial expenses took a while to pay off. Muriel
Thomas grieved herself into becoming ill and couldn't work, not
that she had done work outside the home for the last twenty-five
years. Her brother Donald was in the army and couldn't send home
much money. The younger brother, Bob, did not work steadily. Her
sister Lucille only made a little at her job as a store clerk.
Because of the paperwork, the survivors' benefits did not start
for most of a year, and the insurance took nearly as long to come
through.
All of which meant that Jackie took a fast three-month course
in electronics and started looking for a job. Then she found out
that there were dozens of companies after her and she could hold
out for a fairly high starting salary. Since she was black,
female, and good at what she did, she was in an automatic three-
way minority. She could fill a couple of EEOC slots at once for
the government contractors. To be honest, it seemed strange to
her that she would be wanted just because she was an outsider, and
it was not entirely comfortable.
She wondered at times if she wasn't being an outsider in the
modern world just by being a virgin then, and for years afterward.
But Jackie had made up her mind that she wasn't going to be
sidetracked by any man unless he was clearly about as smart as she
was.
She started working at Sanders Associates in Rockville. That
company tried to keep one foot in each of two streams by leasing
desktop computers to the smaller government agencies, and
maintaining them, and writing and consulting on software for
mainframes for the middle-sized ones. (The big agencies do those
things themselves.)
Jackie started in their computer repair division. On her
first day on the job, she got buried in her work and barely looked
up in time to see everyone else vanish out the door at lunch-time.
She packed away her tools and she was gazing out the front door of
the building and trying to decide where to eat when a voice behind
her said: "None of them are really great, but the sandwich shop
across the street is all right. Martucci's has good shrimp on
Thursdays."
When she turned around a short red-haired and very Irish
woman gave her a wide freckled grin. "You are Jackie Thomas,
right? My name's Maggie Flynn."
They went out to lunch together that day, and every one after
that for the next three weeks. They talked about the news or
clothes or what they were doing at work. After some of that last,
Maggie came to a conclusion one day and she decided to take a
chance on looking foolish. She went into her supervisor's office
the first thing in the afternoon.
An hour later there was a message that the personnel
department wanted to talk to Jackie. She sat there on the edge of
the red leather seat frightened and chewing her lip. She knew
that she had been making mistakes on her job, but she hoped that
they were not going to fire her this quickly. She really had been
trying...
They sat her down and had her take an odd sort of test in
logic. When she finished it a half-hour later, there was a wait
for a few minutes and then she was called into a private office.
A beefy middle-aged man in a brown suit looked at her and
said: "Would you be interested in moving into another job?"
"I -- I don't know," she said nervously. "If you don't think
I'm any good where I am --"
"Don't know anything about that, haven't heard a word," was
the gruff reply. "We want to send you for training and put you
into the programming department. This test says you would be good
at it. You're worth more than we thought. Your file says you
haven't taken any computer languages, that right?"
"No, but I've read some --"
"So much the better. You want the job? Can you start
classes a week from Monday?"
Jackie nodded in disbelief.
Those six weeks in the classroom and the computer lab were
among the hardest but most enjoyable that she had ever spent. And
when it was over, she was put into a cubicle of her own with her
own name-plate, a lot more money, and a greeting from Maggie.
"Hello, stranger, " she said with a freckled grin. "I expect
I'll be seeing more of you now, since you are going to be ten feet
away. Want to try the new Indian place at lunch-time?"
It worked out. Both the job and the Indian place.
In a little over a year, her family's financial problems were
over. The money that was due had come in, her mother was working
and making enough to get by on, and her younger brother Bob had
settled down and was talking about marrying his girlfriend.
Jackie took a plunge then and moved out into her own
apartment. She didn't feel quite comfortable enough to quit her
job and go to college full time, but she started in on night
courses. Jackie was glad to be out in the business world, where (most
of the time) being black didn't matter one way or the other, and
green was mostly the color that counted. Also, being female (most
of the time) didn't matter unless it was from a personal and
individual interest, and that she didn't mind handling.
Reading, of course, wasn't unusual in those circles, and
probably being a virgin wasn't either. Technical people aren't
all that social when they are young.
There were not many young and unmarried black men she met
whom she would consider dating, and that bothered her. And it
bothered her that it bothered her, because she didn't like to
think she was racially prejudiced.
There were good black men in Washington, Jackie knew, but too
many of them were from the old families, that have had money and
position since the year one, or anyway Civil War days. And that
sort didn't want to spend time with somebody who had just come up
from the ghetto. Even if they did, she didn't feel right dating
men who were involved in politics or law, since she didn't really
trust them the rest of the time.
Eventually Jackie decided that a good man was a good man, and
racial solidarity could go hang. She was moved out from her
mother's place and into her own apartment before she acted on that
decision, though. Her family would have raised Cain if they
thought that she might be dating a white man. And if she decided
to marry one... Well, she would fight that battle then.
As it was, her younger brother complained to her when he came
by one night and he found her talking and laughing with Maggie
Flynn. Bob asked why she didn't hang around with her own kind
and make friends with them. It was just as well that he didn't
know they had been exchanging notes on men they had both dated.
Jackie had been best friends with Maggie for three years
then, and they had been through a lot together both at work and
outside of it.
In July Maggie gave a party, and a man named Jim Miller was
at it. Jackie couldn't remember afterward who had introduced the
two of them, but it was probably Maggie. She did half-remember
hearing some comment about putting together the most lost and most
together people there. It wasn't clear to Jackie if she was
really the second, but Jim was certainly the first.
Jim was thin and soft-spoken and very shy. He had been in
from Texas then for about two weeks and he knew only two or three
people at the party, those being the ones he worked with. It took
a while to draw him into a conversation, but it proved to be well
worth the effort.
He was interested in a lot of things, and he could talk about
any of them with a little coaxing. The deep blue eyes behind
those glasses had seen and read a lot, and the head under the fine
blond hair worked awfully well. Once the party really got going,
he was in the middle of a circle of listeners and he stayed there
for hours, with people handing him drinks. People drifted in and
out of the circle, but it didn't occur to Jackie until later that
she had been there listening the whole time.
Jim noticed it, though. And maybe two weeks later, the
telephone rang, and a soft pleasant voice was asking her out to
dinner and a movie. She accepted.
That evening was a very nice one and she was happy to say yes
to his request to meet him again on the next Saturday also. Her
light brown hand fit very well into his tanned one.
They saw each other about once a week for that August and
September, and Jackie found herself looking forward to the next
date and wishing that each one lasted longer. When they found
excuses to call each other in the middle of the week, to make sure
of arrangements that were already clear to both of them, the
conversations lasted a while.
Soon one or the other of them suggested meeting early on a
Saturday to go somewhere, and then they started spending twelve or
fourteen hours together at a time. Then it became both Saturday
and Sunday and phone-calls twice a week. They both realized at
about the same time what was happening, and they were very glad of
it.
Maggie Flynn saw it coming sooner than they did, and she
bubbled with delight.
Jackie's twenty-second birthday came in October, and Jim gave
her a long and beautiful pale-green dress. When she opened the
box, Jackie kissed him hard and she impulsively vanished into her
bedroom to try it on and to model it for him.
She wore the dress that night as they went to a dinner-
theater, and when he left her in her apartment and she took it off
she half-wished that Jim had stayed and was in her bedroom now
taking it off of her.
She imagined his hands on her bare back, which he had bared.
His palms would spread against her skin and draw her toward him so
that she could feel his muscles ripple with every movement that he
made. She would arch against him and he would press her even
closer there. His hands would slide down her spine and mold her
hips to his and she would feel the hardening pressure of his
arousal against her stomach.
His tongue would invade her mouth, hot and wet and
possessive, and a little moan would escape her. His tongue would
wind about hers, sucking it into her mouth, and her legs would sag
beneath her as he took her breath away and lifted her up...
Jackie broke off the reverie, because her legs were sagging.
Things were bad enough without dwelling on what she didn't have:
Jim with her in her bed, or, quite, the courage and decision to
invite him there.
It got tougher and tougher for them to say goodnight to each
other, and the kissing often turned into something else, which
went further and further. But it never went nearly as far as
Jackie would have liked it to, nowhere as far as she dreamed about
when Jim wasn't there. And when he was there, she could plainly
see by looking down that he also wanted to go further. That made
it worse.
His long body fitted very well against hers when the two of
them stood together, and she spent a lot of time thinking about
the other ways that their bodies could fit.
Jim went back to Texas for the week between Christmas and New
Year's. Both of those were on weekends, so they didn't see each
other for three weeks. But he called her on the night before he
left, and again on the night that he came back, and on the
Wednesday in between he talked to her from his family's home near
Austin. He told her that he had been telling his family a lot
about her.
After they hung up, she put on the silver necklace and
earrings which he had sent her as a Christmas present before he
left. She wore them for the rest of the evening, and she did not
want to even take them off when she went to bed. Her dreams were
very sweet.
"Jackie," he said to her on Friday night, January 5th, six
months after they met. "I thought about you a lot when I was
gone. I'm kind of nervous about saying this to you. I want to
ask you something, and, well, if you are not sure, I want you to
say that rather than no... Will you marry me?"
Jackie's eyes lit up, but Jim raised his hand to silence her
before she could speak.
"I'm not really sure if I have the right to ask you, since I
don't make enough to support the two of us properly, though I
expect that in a year or two I will. The racial, uh, difference
won't bother my family. I've got a Choctaw aunt whose grandfather
was a freed slave, and if anybody tried to make a fuss, she'd tie
them to an anthill."
She thought that her family might be less happy about it, but
she felt right then that she would divorce them in a minute to
marry this man. Jackie thought this in about two seconds, before
she grabbed him.
When she eased up and let him breathe again, he looked across
at her and said, "Should I take that as a yes?"
She pulled on him again and squeezed him and let out a long
"Y-e-s-s-s-s-s!" then said it three more times fast for good
measure.
The dinner that night was the most fabulous one that Jackie
had ever had, though she couldn't recall afterward what it was
they ate. Half of her thoughts were of how beautiful the little
silver ring that he had given her looked on her finger. As for
the rest of what she thought about, well, she was glad that her
blushes didn't show much. As they finished, she told him she
wanted to go back to her apartment for a minute, but to stop at
the Thomas Circle drugstore on the way back.
He did, and he waited out in the car. Jackie was glad of
this; if Jim had been there she might have been too embarrassed to
buy what she did. She was still unsure if she dared to use it.
She asked him to park and come back up with her. When they
were through the door and it was closed behind them, Jackie put
her arms around him and said, "Jim, I want you to make love to me.
I want you to go all the way this time."
"Jackie," he said. "I want to more than anything in the
world. But I feel I have to warn you that after a certain point
all that I know about it is learned from books."
"That's all right," she whispered. "We can learn together.
We have both read the same kind of books, and I've never done it
either."
He kissed her quickly, to cover his nervousness. They
drifted slowly and deliberately into her bedroom. She put her
handbag on a chair and she took out the paper bag from the
drugstore to toss it on the dresser by the bed.
Jim glanced at it, realized what it must be, and licked his
lips as she returned to him. His arms around her reached up to
the zipper on the top of the fancy dress that she wore. The cool
air on her back as he drew it down was balanced by the warmth of
the feeling she had in his arms as he held her.
When his hand had gone as far down as it could, she stepped
back and out of the dress to put it on a chair-back. She stood in
bra and culottes to remove his tie and then his shirt. She put
her cheek down to rub it against his wonderfully masculine chest
hair and she hugged him again.
Soon Jim raised her chin and kissed her hard. As soon as his
lips touched hers Jackie's mouth opened and his tongue slid almost
involuntarily between her teeth. And at once the kiss softened
and deepened so that she gave a little moan before responding
completely.
Her hand glided over the warm flesh of his back and then
moved up to clutch the sides of his neck and hold him to her
mouth. Her body arched toward him, and his hands slid down her
arms to her wrists before he took them and held them behind her
back and used them to urge her hips against his. His thumbs
caressed her palms and she felt the heat of her lower spine
against her knuckles as he increased the pressure of his hard tube
against her belly.
Their remaining clothing was a tormenting barrier to the
freedom she desired, the freedom for passionate and violent and
exquisite action. Moisture pooled between her breasts and
trickled down her back.
He released her hands to slide his fingers over her hips to
her waist, and from there across the curve of her ribcage.
"Jackie, you are so beautiful tonight," he said.
His hands sought the hooks on her bra, then he eased the
straps from her shoulders and he brought it forward to expose her
nipples to his gaze for the first time, though he had touched them
before. The sensation seemed to her much more intense and
inspiring than it had any right to be.
She loosened his belt and opened the hook on his trousers.
But once they dropped to the floor he cupped her buttocks and he
lifted her so that her legs went automatically around him.
It brought that sexually aroused part of him hard -- HARD --
against her own throbbing core, and she wrapped her arms around
his neck and brought his mouth back to hers. This time it was her
tongue that was the invader, her hips that writhed against his,
and with a moan of anguish he released her.
He placed his trousers over her dress on the chair. When he
bent to remove his shoes and socks, he felt awkward, and Jackie
certainly didn't help by running her hands over his back when he
bent over and by kissing him in several places. She removed his
shorts herself, putting her hand around what came to it. His
desire for her increased when she did, even more. She felt it
increase in her hand.
They stood for another moment and kissed, he naked but for
glasses and she with only culottes. He picked her up and he
carried her to the bed. When he set her down, he leaned forward
and brought his mouth to hers again. The hungry pressure of it
was too demanding, the hot invasion of his tongue too mind-bending
to allow any kind of coherent thought to dominate. She was on
fire for him, kissing him back with a raw abandon that had nothing
to do with intelligent reasoning. But she did not need to think
now, only to feel.
Her whole body was suffused with the pleasure that her mouth
was drinking in. The life of the mind, which had been her center,
and where they had met and fallen in love, was totally left behind
now. Little rivulets of flame sped along her veins, melting her
bones and thickening her blood. His tongue seduced hers,
assaulted hers, sucked hers into his mouth with a greedy
possession, and her arms crept around him now without her really
being aware of it.
Her breasts were taut and swollen, aching with desire as was
all the rest of her. When Jim's mouth left hers to seek that
delicate skin, she sighed with satisfaction. She trembled when
his mouth took possession of one engorged peak and suckled
eagerly. She had never experienced the surge of emotion that the
sight of his head against her dusky breast inspired in her. Her
hand cradled his head and her fingers slipped into his fine light
hair. His lips eased one ache but they did nothing for the
greater one. But that would come...
Jim lay beside her and he caressed her, and she put out one
hand to stroke the hard length that would soon possess her, and
she it. When he took down the culottes, Jackie motioned to the
drugstore bag on the dresser. He left her to fetch it and read
the directions on the package inside, then he joined her on the
bed again with the contents in one hand.
Her limbs, freed now from any restraint, wound themselves
about him, and his groan signaled how close he came to proceeding
without the contraceptive, to ravishing her at that instant and
letting his unrestrained seed flood out and find her fertile egg
as it might.
But he resisted. He took the package from the place on the
bed where he had dropped it and his hands moved lower, sliding
between her legs to find the slick curls that hid the eager core
of her womanhood. The muscles there jerked and constricted under
his probing caress, and Jackie moaned, deep in her throat, as he
stroked the palpitating source.
When the opening was very ready, he knelt to insert the tube
and inject the spermicidal jelly. The jelly felt cool as it
entered her and it tingled slightly. The parallels between what
they had just done in preparation and what they would do next were
clear in the minds of both of them.
He put the syringe and his glasses on the dresser and he lay
beside her again. She timidly opened herself to him, and Jim
moved over her. As he did, Jackie glanced to the mirror on her
bedroom wall and looked at the contrast of the light and dark
flesh and she saw a bit of his shaft as it touched her.
She never knew if it was that sight or his touch, but she
shivered with desire. His gentle probing began then and
intensified until he encountered the inner door. It took all of
her will power not to force her hips upward at that moment.
"Please -- now..." Jackie whimpered, placing her hands on
his withdrawing hips. He returned, gathering force until she felt
a stinging, and then he advanced unhindered.
"OH," she cried, taking short gulping breaths as he began to
move inside her. The swelling waves of delight, that previously
she had only touched upon, were already overtaking and
overwhelming her, and, although she was sure a woman was not
supposed to be aroused so quickly, she couldn't help herself. He
filled her, and he filled her with more joy than she had ever felt
in her life. Then the pleasure grew minute by minute until she
felt another liquid injection, this time a hot one, and she
melted, calling his name.
That was on Friday night. On Saturday morning they learned
how much more pleasant a shower could be with someone there to
help you -- though it took longer.
The movie that they had planned to see on Friday night became
a Saturday matinee instead. And that night they went on another
voyage of discovery, putting more theory into practice. That led
to Jackie arching her back with the pulsations of pleasure she
felt as he worshipped her core with his lips and tongue. They
spent that weekend lost in love and each other.
On Sunday afternoon Jim emerged partly from the pleasant haze
to sit at her kitchen table in a rumpled shirt and offer some
ideas about their wedding. Jackie just wanted at first to
distract him from anything but the present by stroking his hair,
or his face, or whatever she could reach --
so he held both her hands in one of his until she capitulated.
They did both want a church wedding. She admitted that the
Baptist church she had gone to since she was a child (though not
for the last year or so) might not be best. His family and his
friends in Texas could probably fly here easier than the people
here could go there. Jim would talk to the minister of the
Methodist church he was nominally attached to in D.C., though they
didn't see each other all that often.
Making wedding plans caused Jackie to bring up half-formed
daydreams which she hadn't thought about in years, which both made
her want to hold Jim tighter and think about fantasies of less
formal but more repeatable events, and that led to postponing the
plan-making for a while.
The plan-making about the wedding. As they lay there
afterward, the two of them did talk about children, however.
They were together until Monday morning, when Jim left to
change before going to work. And he left from her apartment on
the next four mornings also...
On the next Saturday, he told her that he needed to do
laundry, and told her that she was quite welcome to join him at
his place while the machine worked. Jackie decided against it.
She had been putting off telling her family about Jim and about
planning to marry him, and perhaps while he was gone she could
think of what to say and make the call.
It was harder than she thought, and she still had not spoken
to her mother when she glanced out the window and saw his car
drive up and saw him get out of it. She also saw the car that
sped down and hit Jim and threw him up and into the windshield of
a car going the other way. The car that hit him kept going.
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